Under the Light of the Manhole

sometimes when my mind is too hard at work i can’t see.. my eyes won’t focus. how vain to think you’re a genius just because you’re sad. but you do, and you’ve known it all along, the same way you felt the impending doom of madness like the glow of fire on the horizon. from a long way off it looks as though you’ve got plenty of time. but it catches up quickly and soon you’re running, running out of breath, out of time.

that wasn’t what this was about though. i forget. speaking with an old friend about purpose and all the usual trite bullshit… why do i bother. because there’s nothing else to do at 4am. i have always been good at babbling out neat little packages of things that only pretend to make sense. i still don’t know why i do it but i’m doing it right now.

on a whim i ask him what the purpose of it all is. how vague. that’s intentional. one thing he says catches my curiosity so i pry further into his reasons for creating his music. without expression there’s no sanity, he says. how many times have i heard that? but i’m beginning to doubt it’s true. there is no sanity no matter what. sanity does not exist. the cycle of creative expression is a never-ending one. ask anyone. our work is never finished. does it keep us sane or does it drive us even more mad? we must keep going on knowing there is no end to this. at best, the steam lets off more quickly than it builds. the illusion of sanity. at its worst, the pressure just keeps building. insanity in a more familiar shape, that. but either way— madness.

i’d rather be dreaming.

last night i dreamed of a gold-gilded city in the sky where nothing ever went wrong. a prince who ran away to have an adventure. the king and queen weren’t worried because they knew he would return when he was finished exploring their beautiful world. he never made it home because i woke up. all i could remember at first were colorful creatures swimming in crystal pools at the edge of a pond, amber sunlight all around, fatherly laughter somewhere not far off, and a sense of otherworldly peace that i’ve seldom seen but only ever in dreams.